The Last Time Traveler Read online

  “For Doc?” the young man asked.

  “Yeah, Doc!” Robert exclaimed. “I needed medical attention, man! I was still half-crazy and my blood pressure had to be like a million over five-hundred or something. He arrived in seconds… Doc’s a good man and realized there wasn’t any time to waste. He hit me up with a tranquilizer and got her safely to bed.”

  “That don’t sound so bad…” Morgan shrugged.

  “That wasn’t,” Robert replied. “But then me and Doc had a real talk. I was poisoned man…”

  “Poisoned?” the young man asked, a touch of disbelief in his voice.

  “Sort of…” the traveler replied, shaking his head side to side. “And I really mean Cleo and me both were. We had started something we couldn’t finish…”

  “Oh, I think I could have finished it!”

  “Watch your mouth!” the traveler barked, a flair of anger in his voice that Morgan had never heard before.

  “Sorry!” Morgan immediately replied. “Honestly, bro, I’m sorry! I just get excited.”

  “It’s cool,” Robert nodded. “Just don’t do it again.”

  “No worries, man.”

  “Cleo’s a girl you marry, not one you play with,” the traveler pointed-out. “And I don’t play.”

  “Neither do I, man…” the young man said almost sincerely. “Not that I’ve ever had the chance… I mean, I guess if I did get the chance…”

  “Do you want to hear the story, Morgan?”

  “Yeah, sorry. But why couldn’t you just get married then?”

  “One question at a time,” Robert replied.

  “Right!”

  “So, as things were me and Cleo couldn’t be left in the same room alone together,” the traveler explained. “She was pumping out pheromones chemically designed to attract me specifically, and the moment her transition was complete…”

  “Transition?”

  “That chemical change the Escargotians go through,” Robert replied.

  “Oh, right?”

  “Anyway as soon as that was complete my pheromones did the same thing to her. And of course my sweat…”

  “And saliva!” Morgan exclaimed.

  “What is it with you and saliva, man?”

  “Sorry… But what does your sweat taste like to her?”

  “I don’t know, Morgan…” the traveler sighed. “She hasn’t tasted me…”

  “Well how about…”

  “Krispy Kreme Bear claws,” Robert answered before the question was complete.

  “But that means…” Morgan mused.

  “Yeah…” the traveler sighed again. “I try not to think about that. But I do eat a lot of honey when I’m alone…”

  “Either way, you were poisoned?”

  “Right! Can you imagine us trying to work together after that?”

  “Oh, I can imagine…” Morgan asserted.

  “Well don’t!” Robert demanded. “Anyways, me and Doc decided that we would have to leave Cleo in Never Never Land for a few months to let the two of us cool off.”

  “Makes sense I guess,” the young man admitted.

  “Yeah, but it ripped my heart out,” the traveler said, his voice filled with emotion. “Not for my own sake… I mean, I felt like I had kind of brought it on myself and I could deal with that. But Cleo…”

  “You alright, man?” Morgan asked.

  “Yeah…” Robert sighed. “I just have a real good memory, Morgan. Some things I have to work hard not to remember. Anyways, Cleo thought I was rejecting her. I promised to call her for three hours a day every day. And I did that for a week or so. But you know me. I’m always trying to save the universe and what have you. So… before long it was two hours, than an hour, then every couple of days, then once a week…”

  “Rob, sometimes you really are a total piece of…”

  “We’ve been through that remember?” the traveler said, shaking his head. “And if it makes you feel any better, consider the fact that part of the reason I work so hard trying to save all of time is so that she and I can be together some day.”

  “I feel ya,” Morgan nodded.

  “Anyways, one day she didn’t pick up,” Robert continued. “So, I checked and it had been fifteen days her-time since I had called. Me and Doc fired up the engines and went to pick her up. It was obvious I couldn’t handle the responsibility of keeping up with her like I should. We were going to have to be on the ship together and just learn to control ourselves.”

  “What happened when you showed up?”

  “Well, to start with she tried to kill me.”

  “Really?” Morgan asked.

  “Kind of…” the traveler replied, rotating his hand back and forth. “I mean, I don’t think she honestly thought she could beat me to death with those tiny fists, but she certainly made the attempt.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I held her in my lap for like two hours while she sobbed into my chest and Doc rubbed her back,” the traveler replied, gazing off into nothing, his mind in the past. “Every few minutes she would pull back, slap me in the face as hard as she could, and go back to sobbing. They got a lot of powerful emotions, ya know?”

  “Yeah…” the young man said softly.

  “Finally she tried to scratch my eyes out,” Robert said, rubbing his chin. “She was actually really fast too. I jerked back, but she ripped my cheek up pretty bad. When she saw the blood pouring down my face she went into a full blown hysterical fit…”

  “Wow…”

  “Yeah…” the traveler sighed. “We got her back on the ship and got her in bed. After a few days we had her nursed back to health. Since then we’ve had a rather stable she’s basically always mad at me relationship. Of course, things had softened up a bit before the whole ship-break-down thing… Either way that may actually be for the best right now.”

  “Man… that was rough.”

  “Yeah…” Robert replied slowly, almost speaking to himself. “Their tears smell like honeysuckle... Did you know that? Every time I smell it now I get a little sick on my stomach. Sometimes I wonder if it’s like my own inner commentary on myself… you know what I mean?”

  “I think I do…” Morgan nodded. “Man, no offense, but you’ve bummed me out a bit. I’m gonna go grab some space ice-cream. You want some?”

  “Yeah…” the traveler sighed. “Yeah, I think I do…”

  After a few servings of chocolate space ice-cream Robert and Morgan each went to their rooms to get some rest. The one consoled himself by laying on his bed, eating honey out of a plastic bear, while the other satiated his hunger with a hot ham MRE smothered in maple syrup. The following... morning, I guess... it's actually a little hard to tell when you're floating out in space-time... the entire party gathered once again in the conference room.

  “Alright guys,” Rob began. “So far we've done very well. We've disabled...”

  “Exploded,” Morgan corrected.

  “Just so,” the traveler nodded. “We've exploded Delmont's time machine and set the stage to start going back to undo some of the damage he's done. Now, as you know it's imperative that we try to make corrections one step at a time. This isn't always going to be possible, but we're going to do the best we can. If we can reduce the number of paradoxes then the universe may be able to handle the rest and finish the job for us.”

  “Right boss,” Vox nodded. “What's the next target? I don't want to be out here for another year.”

  “True,” the traveler nodded. “Our next target is the Orb of the Gods. It was a religious relic that the original owners claimed was given them by deities. It was supposed to prove the worth of their people. For centuries their religious leaders felt it was meant as a prize that only the strongest could hold. As a result their planet was thrown into complete and total war for hundreds of years.”

  “That's insane!” Morgan exclaimed. “What kind of idiots were these people?”

  “Morgan,” Doc said, turning to the young man
. “Are you certain the gods didn't give it to them?”

  “Yeah!” the young man replied, turning his own gaze to the traveler. “Rob, where did it really come from?”

  “Two brothers created it hundreds of years before it had any religious significance,” Robert replied.

  “There ya go,” Morgan nodded.

  “What inspired them to make it?” Doc asked. “And where does inspiration come from, Morgan? What's the next part of the story, Rob?”

  “Well,” the traveler continued, “During the period of global war a group of peaceful religious leaders started a movement to leave the world and the war behind them. And, to a certain extent, they succeeded. A large portion of the population left the planet to start a new splinter colony. This event triggered global talks that eventually ended the wars. The orb was then lost to history for a time. However, roughly a thousand years later, when their world was once again on the verge of global war the orb was rediscovered. The people took it as a sign and put down their arms. As a result the orb indirectly gave birth to two of the most peaceful civilizations in history.”

  “If you choose to criticize a religion, Morgan,” Doc said with a gentle smile, “at least take the time to learn something about that faith before you condemn it.”

  “I see where you're coming from,” Morgan nodded slowly.

  “And that's where Delmont comes in,” Cleo speculated.

  “Exactly!” Robert replied. “He went back in time to just before the orb was lost and stole it. As a result it was never rediscovered and so the second war was never stopped. Billions of people died and it created a huge number of paradoxes. However, to complicate matters the genius sold the orb to someone at the splinter colony as a religious relic from their original home world. The people took it as a sign from the gods and it kicked off a war that should never have happened, killing billions more. Which, of course, created loads more paradoxes. With one theft Delmont managed to make two of the most peaceful societies that ever existed into two of the most violent.”

  “Wow...” Morgan said. “What a jerk!”

  “Well, thoughtless, selfish, idiot might be a more fitting description,” the traveler mused. “But your point still stands.”

  “So what do we do about it?” Doc asked.

  “Simple,” Robert replied with a wide smile. “We go to the point in the current time-line where the orb is truly lost forever. We then grab it just moments before that happens. Once we have it we go back to around ten minutes after Delmont stole it and return it. It'll be a little older than it was, but no worse for the wear, I'm sure. Then it will be found when it's supposed to be. That will undo a lot of the damage. Once the time-lines have settled we disable Delmont's time machine a second time. And viola we'll have un-stolen the orb and corrected even more of the time line.”

  “Brilliant,” Cleo smiled. “So where do we go to get the orb?”

  “Ahhh,” the traveler replied, his eyes flashing. “That's the really exciting bit.”

  “Oh no,” Vox said, rubbing his hand across his face. “Please Rob, for the love of life, tell me it's not actually going to be exciting.”

  “I like excitement!” Morgan exclaimed.

  “Well, you see Morgan,” Doc explained, “Rob likes to use the word exciting as a euphemism for suicidal.”

  “Euphemism?” the young man replied.

  “So where is it, Rob?” Cleo asked.

  “The where isn't important!” he exclaimed. “The important thing is that the orb is lost as the result of two simultaneous apocalypses... Apocalie? What's the plural on that Doc?”

  “Apocalypses,” Doc sighed. “But I'm not sure why it has a plural. It only ever takes one.”

  “Two apocalypses?” Vox exclaimed. “Are you serious, Rob? Have you gone crazy? I mean, have you gone even crazier than the kind of day to day crazy you are all the time?”

  “Oh come on, Vox!” he replied excitedly. “It'll be fun!”

  “And just what are these apocalypses, Rob?” Doc asked shaking his head.

  “Well,” the traveler replied, “it all takes place at the very end of the war on the splinter colony. The two main factions had each developed a completely working doomsday device. And, within just minutes of each other, they both set them off!”

  “What?” Vox exclaimed.

  “Wait...” Doc said, shaking his head. “Wait just a second, Rob. What were these devices?”

  “Oh they were crazy brilliant!” Robert replied, clearly impressed. “The first was a group of self-replicating nanobots that broke living creatures down to make even more nanobots. The result was a planet filled to the brim with electro-zombies in just hours! The second doomsday device was a little more ham-fisted, though... It just blew the planet up.”

  “Whoa!” Morgan exclaimed. “Whoa! So we're going to a planet covered in zombies to recover a religious artifact right before the planet explodes.”

  “That's about the shape of it, man,” the traveler admitted.

  “Awesome!” the young man nodded excitedly. “I'm going to be like Indiana Jones on crack!”

  “Rob, this is completely...” Vox began.

  “Don't worry, man. We got it!” Robert injected confidently. “Oh, but we can't use shield generators... the nanobots would just feed off 'em.”

  “What?” Cleo exclaimed. “Rob, this is insane. Why don't we just make a copy of the orb and leave it in place of the stolen one?”

  “I'm afraid we can't do that, sweetheart,” he replied, pulling a toothpick from his top pocket and putting in his mouth.

  “Sweetheart?” she replied.

  “Yeah,” the traveler nodded. “The people were technologically advanced enough to make a molecular imprint, see?”

  “Could we make a fake that matched the imprint?” Morgan asked.

  “Nope,” the traveler replied. “As much as I like faking things...”

  “Like money,” the young man interrupted.

  “I never said it was counterfeit,” the traveler replied before continuing. “Not even we have technology to do that. We would need the exact molecules it's made of to make a fake.”

  “Couldn't we just change the records?” Cleo suggested.

  “No chance,” Robert replied, sounding a good bit like Humphrey Bogart. “It was verified thousands of times over the years. We'd have to make thousands of corrections, each one possibly changing the time-lines, and a single mistake could blow the whole gaff.”

  “Blow the whole gaff, Rob?” Doc said, shaking his head. “Why are you talking like that?”

  “I always talk like this when we pull a job. This is a job, and you all are my gang, and Cleo... Well, Cleo's my moll.”

  “I'm not your moll, Rob,” Cleo corrected as if she were fooling anybody.

  “Yeah,” Morgan sighed nodding his head. “Yeah you are...”

  Vox and Doc merely nodded in time.

  As completely insane as Robert's plan obviously was they had no choice but to see it though or die trying... Personally, I don't think I've have gone myself... Time would have just had to take one for the team... Of course, I'm just a writer, not an action hero... Just minutes after the decision had been made the ship was set on autopilot and the entire team was assembled in the ship's own landing bay. There in its very center was a rather bodacious eight-seater, convertible, future car that was capable of some serious high-speed maneuvers and full-on flight.

  The party was very well, even crazy well, armed. However, they had neither shield generators nor invisibility belts. From the point of view of shielding and visibility they were having to do this one au naturel. And, of course, Morgan still didn't have a gun...

  “Where did you get that bat?” the traveler asked, staring the young man straight in the bat.

  “I found it,” Morgan explained. “I'm not going without a weapon again.”

  “Where did you find it?” Robert asked. “I didn't even know I had a bat.”

  “I don't remember,” the youn
g man replied. “I wander around the ship when I'm bored.”

  “That makes sense,” the traveler replied. “Anyways, don't hit anybody with it.”

  “I may have to hit some electro-zombies.”

  “Yeah, that'll be fine.”

  The five of them piled in the car when a sudden thought hit the young man.

  “What is this called?” Morgan asked.

  “It's called a car,” the traveler explained.

  “We should call it the Morganmobile!”

  “No... No, we shouldn't.... Everybody ready?”

  “Put the top up, Rob,” Vox said.

  “Nah,” the traveler replied. “The weather's awesome!”

  As he said this the ship reached its destination, hanging roughly a hundred feet above the ground. With a quick series of button pushes he opened the landing bay and allowed the car to plummet into the sky below them. As they made their rapid descent toward the temple that was their target Morgan threw his hands into the air.

  “Wooo!” he screamed, wildly waving his arms in the wind. “Cleo! Put your hands up!”

  “No, you moron!” she replied.

  Seconds later they crashed through the roof of the temple, Rob bringing the car to a stop roughly ten feet above the floor. The building was, as promised, just crawling with e-zombies. However, with a few more button presses Rob caused the car to power up its weapons and pull something along the lines of Death Blossom from The Last Starfighter. Within moments all the zombies that filled the chamber were nothing but nanos with every last bit of bot blasted right out of them.

  Instantly the traveler landed the car and the entire party hopped out. Robert pressed the security button on his keyring causing the car to rise out of the chamber and hover a short distance from the giant hole in the roof.

  “So far this is going well,” the traveler said. “Which is really great, because we have exactly twenty minutes before the planet explodes.”

  “Rob!” everyone screamed.

  “No time! Let's go!”

  Just ahead of the band was a staircase leading into the bowels of the temple. The lights filling the building flickered on and off like something out of a horror movie, specifically one with zombies in it, as the band made their way down the stairs.